Personal Realizations
@ 2008-08-07 20:28:50
Filed under: Personal Philosophy
Well first off I am tired. REALLY tired. I'm almost unsick but not there yet. I worry ... a lot. I worry about stuff that I can't do anything about. I worry about stuff I can do something about. I worry about stuff that doesn't matter. I just worry. It's hit me (though I have not actually internalized it fully yet) that worrying doesn't do anything for me. It just makes me unhappy. I think a lot of my life I've been close to being (if not actually being) co-dependent on family. Thinking back to when I started to worry the most was when I moved out of the same state as my parental family. Yeah I had lived away from my parents house before that but I still had them around to talk to and get reassurance. I've been in Raleigh for almost 3 years now and when I think about it I've only worried as much as I do today for that same amount of time I've been here in North Carolina. So what do I need to do? Stop worrying about things. I'm 26 years old, have a good job, great direct co-workers, a nice place to live, a father, mother and sister back in Florida who love me and a God who is in control.
With all that being said life sounds good ... and I'm sure it is good but for some reason I have a hard time accepting that it is good. I've been through a lot in my life (esp in the last 15 years of it) but that doesn't mean things can't be good now. It's almost like I try to find things to worry about. But in the end I think the root cause is me trying to be in control of my life in every aspect. That is NOT possible. I can't be in control of every aspect of everything ... and even if I was I would worry about it all the time (and probably suck at it). In a way I want to be God. I want to control everything around me and make sure it follow the plan(s) I have for my life and yet I realize that I can't be God so I worry. I worry as if God isn't there or doesn't love me when I know he is and does. I worry as if God's plan is imperfect and I could do a better job when I know that is not possible. I worry as if God doesn't know who I am ... or doesn't care what happens to me when I know he does. I worry as if this life is it and there is nothing more when I know that is not the case.
I need to stop worrying ... no matter what I have done (or not done) in the past, no matter what is happening right now in life, no matter how not in control I feel I have to remember it's in better hands which care and actually have a coherent plan.
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ma.gnolia
Filed under: Personal Philosophy
Well first off I am tired. REALLY tired. I'm almost unsick but not there yet. I worry ... a lot. I worry about stuff that I can't do anything about. I worry about stuff I can do something about. I worry about stuff that doesn't matter. I just worry. It's hit me (though I have not actually internalized it fully yet) that worrying doesn't do anything for me. It just makes me unhappy. I think a lot of my life I've been close to being (if not actually being) co-dependent on family. Thinking back to when I started to worry the most was when I moved out of the same state as my parental family. Yeah I had lived away from my parents house before that but I still had them around to talk to and get reassurance. I've been in Raleigh for almost 3 years now and when I think about it I've only worried as much as I do today for that same amount of time I've been here in North Carolina. So what do I need to do? Stop worrying about things. I'm 26 years old, have a good job, great direct co-workers, a nice place to live, a father, mother and sister back in Florida who love me and a God who is in control.
With all that being said life sounds good ... and I'm sure it is good but for some reason I have a hard time accepting that it is good. I've been through a lot in my life (esp in the last 15 years of it) but that doesn't mean things can't be good now. It's almost like I try to find things to worry about. But in the end I think the root cause is me trying to be in control of my life in every aspect. That is NOT possible. I can't be in control of every aspect of everything ... and even if I was I would worry about it all the time (and probably suck at it). In a way I want to be God. I want to control everything around me and make sure it follow the plan(s) I have for my life and yet I realize that I can't be God so I worry. I worry as if God isn't there or doesn't love me when I know he is and does. I worry as if God's plan is imperfect and I could do a better job when I know that is not possible. I worry as if God doesn't know who I am ... or doesn't care what happens to me when I know he does. I worry as if this life is it and there is nothing more when I know that is not the case.
I need to stop worrying ... no matter what I have done (or not done) in the past, no matter what is happening right now in life, no matter how not in control I feel I have to remember it's in better hands which care and actually have a coherent plan.
digg it
seed it
del.icio.us
ma.gnolia
